Strangers

I like strangers, I really do..

they know not my fears or my waterloo..

I can be who I like with them, a painter, a baker even from the parliament

I can be happy and victorious.. my defeats are my secrets alone..

Some scars fade with time, some never really go away..

but with strangers all scars of all kinds are never really there..

they don't pull you down when youre trying to recover, nor do they offer a helping hand when none is required.. 

They take you for who you say you are and what you do..

Its believed that sharing helps reduce pain.. I feel differently.. I feel sharing never lets you forget the pain.. 

that's why I like strangers.. I really do

they know not my fears or my waterloo.

In Search

Blog 1

Another day comes to a close. Another 24 hours of hope, dissapointment, comfort and new goals to be set. The promise of a new morning and the determination at the close of yet another day... The constant fight with oneself to be "someone" and not "another" one and sometimes the joy of knowing you're almost there and sometimes knowing that you're not anywhere close.

In the movie Eat Pray Love, over a delicious meal in Italy a group of friends decide to describe their lives with one word. One word which represents their current state of being, the place they are in or simply how they feel. My word for myself is SEARCHING. Im in a state of search.. in search of a road, in search of a path, in search of peace, comfort, bliss and in search of home. There can be little else more discomforting than looking into a mirror and not recognising oneself. Not being able to see what one stands for, is moving towards or simply not being able to relate to the reflection and what could be worse than not being able to change that?

No, Im not depressed or lonely or lost.... I'm simply in search and in this search I know i need no company. Frances was in search of hope when she moved to Tuscany and bought Bramasole ( the house), Elizabeth was in search of respect and regard in love and in her relationships, Marianne was in search of heart wrenching true love, Bridget was in search of her happy ending, Carrie was in search of love, Julie was in search of her identity, Sophie was in search of her beliefs and in my search for myself I met these wonderful women.

These women have now become an essential part of my life and overtime I feel low or a little in need for inspiration I go back to them for love, inspiration and some girly advice.

The returning blog

Its been almost a year since I last blogged. A lot has happened since then and well it would be quite difficult to pen down all the thoughts I have had since then although it would be quite easy to list down the events. For once I am not keen to list down the events as the list contains a loss I would rather forget than remember. However since the loss, I find myself quite at sea.

Once the pain leaves and life goes on with slight references to the pain, one is usually left with a lot of vacuum and anxiety. Vacuum as suddenly quite a few pages in the book become blank and one is expected to fill them in and anxious cause one may not always know what to fill the pages with. I am quite at that stage where I find that there are countable number of people I want to speak with or share my space with and there is a lot of time I would like to utilise to create something of my own.

Off lately I seem to be going NUTS trying to figure out how to create my own thing in this world. Off all the talents and interests that exist I am fond of movies and writing and reading which comes third with occasional painting when the heart sees fit. I enjoy travelling and seeing new things and experiencing new cultures and discovering that little niche that suits my temperament. of course its easier to do this when one is alone, it becomes a little complicated when one is married and well a little lost with trying to balance all these relationships out.

However, since I sense that my craziness to fill the vacuum is driving others seemingly crazy I decided to do something about it.. Im going to start a 21 day project. Its commonly believed that it takes 21 days to develop a habit and my aim is to write for 21 days regularly to find the writer in me. I also want to develop the patience and flow of thought that is required to write and well of course discover my thoughts and indulge myself a little.

So for the coming 21 days, I am going to write about 21 people/stories/situations that have inspired me and Im going to energise my soul.

So here's to the next 21 days!

Somewhere in between the old and the new!

Gosh I missed writing - the pressure of not having emptied my thoughts out into words had really gotten the better of me. As I write, I wonder how unknowingly and how sub-conciusly we train our minds everyday to react and respond to things.. we train out hearts to feel in certain ways and our instincts are thus formed. I guess this is the reason why we grow wiser as we grow older- it must be just knowing ourselves more and knowing how we feel about things and how we view and understand the world.

This very moment I realise I am somewhere in between the old and the new. The old being blogging and the new being blogging with my husband next to me in the same room. This is actually the very first time that I am writing with someone else in the room with me- its a very strange feeling and infact quite interesting to delve into deeper.

 In the last month, my world has changed almost dimensionally and unrecognizably. Not only am I married and living in a new house, in a new city, I have a new job, new responsibilities and a new version of my self to grow into. Marriage to me was all about being with someone I love and trust. But marraige has opened up a whole new world for me and unlike in the song by Alladin its much more than shining, shimmering and splendid. Its a whole lot of news, tingles and oh my gods!. But in all these new things that I am learning to learn and accept, the old keeps wanting to come over and take precedence. The old me, the one who did spent weekends with friends out of the house watching movies or shopping or just lounging, the old who watched movies whenever possible in her private screen, the old who listened to music while dreaming off into the future, the old who knew where to get the best coffee in town, the old who could just get into a rick and head off to the mall or to the library or the stores. Its this tussle between the old and the new that sometimes can leave a person in void and in a sense of confusion. Confusion as to where one belongs and where one wants to be. Confusion as to becoming the person one thought one could never become and confusion of deciding which life to lead and what choices to make.

Its also in these confusions that one finds oneself- one finds the signals which are green and realises whihc ones are red. It can be said that self discovery is the only thing we can be sure of in this world or it can be argued that its the luxury of the priviledged not fighting for daily existence. Whichever the case, for me this journey holds a lot of meaning and is perhaps the only guiding light that I believe in. Knowing myself better helps me understand the world better. It helps me accept truths easier and also recognize learnings clearer.

The balance between the old and the new is infact the journey from who we are to who we can grow to be. Its the simple choices, the day to day reactions, the acceptances and the rejections that pave our way to the next step. Some believe that this journey is already written, I get the feeling we are writing it as we go!

Lost

There is no glamour or great philosophy in being lost..

There is no poetry or heart touching song in feeling lost..

Being lost is that state of mind when the eyes that stare back doesnt recongnize its owner

I knocked on all doors to find my way back..

People gave me directions that I couldn't comprehend

The world seemed like an allien land where even the familiar dint seem so anymore

It was dark.. it was misleading and it hurt both physically and mentally

The fine line between sanity and its foe hadn't seemed so thin before

Fear latched on to me like a leech in a muddy stream

I hadnt lost my path but my destination had vanished somehow..

i kept reaching out for a helping hand but I couldnt trust the ones extended

I dint know what to do, where to go or whom to believe.. trust had eluded me.. faith had left

The only thing to do was to sit by that one solid rock.. the rock of uncertainity and wait for the fog to lift

How strange is life.. so easy to find someone to share a laugh but noone around to share the tremblings..

That is when a voice whispered weak but yet strong..

hold on to yourself and hold on to your own.. god has given you things in twos to hold to each other.. this too shall pass.. 

and if it doesnt whispered my trembling heart?

Then wait some more... whispered the voice weak yet strong

If nothing or noone stays forever, why should fear or uncertainity?

If good things always end then thers no surety of the bad as well..

If every silver lining is on a dark cloud, then the dark cloud is wanted as well..

Just hold to yourself.. give yourself love and laughter and patience and kindness.. believe in what you have always believed... trust what you have always trusted and love who u have always loved...

I could feel the tremblings come down...

I looked over the fog and the gleaming castle wall and shiny golden piers seemed aglow..

it was just over the fog of my fear.. it was always there.. waiting for me to see it.. 

I, princess of the land who had waited for eternity to be saved had finally found my knight in shining armour.. my knight stared at me through the clear waters.. my knight extended that one hand of freedom and the other hand took it...

I walked free and brave.. walked towards the castle walls.. as I was a Princess and I was lost no more...

The Bubble or the Gum

Most of us have heard of a bubblegum. Its a sweetmeat that is chewy and comes in various flavours. Often after a great deal of chewing this piece of sweetmeat or candy can be blown into a bubble. Please note that making a bubble is not something that everyone can do well. Some are great at it while others barely manage to. My interest is however not in the bubblegum but in the two words that make it up. Bubble and gum.

Aesthically a bubble is beautiful to look at. A transparent circle which floats in the air and disperses light to form rainbow colours. A bubble can be made using soapy water, from plastic or from certain types of gum. But the biggest challenge of a bubble is that it is very momentary. Before one can get to enjoy it fully, it ceases to exsist. Making a long lasting bubble is quite difficult and the most long lasting of bubbles are the ones made from plastic but they are far from authentic bubbles. Gum on the other hand is not so pretty to look at. Its tenacity is immense and it can last for a whole day, until the person chewing it decides to throw it out. A gum may lose its original taste but it doesnt lose it chewiness. Infact gum can be stretched out quite a bit till it begins to tear.

So why am I talking about bubble and gum? Well it was a conversation that I had with a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that put this seed into my mind and after weeks of thinking about it, I have now decided to express it in words. My friend shared an unpleasant story with me. She told me about the time she lost one of her friends in a car crash and how terrible it was. She told me about how momentary the incident was and how long lasting the impacts have been. She also shared with me how her view of life has changed post that fatal incident. It was then that the thought struck me; life can be looked at and lived as either a bubble or gum!

Those who look at life like a bubble are the ones who appreciate how momentary things are and how quickly they can change. These are the people who live in the present and make the most out of today. They tend to be optimistic as they desire to get the best out of each day. However mostly these people are also the ones who donot like to save, or think too much about ten years from now. Their relationships, jobs and decisions are based more on today.

The gum people, or the ones who consider life to be like gum, look at life as a long journey and possibly prefer to plan and provide for tomorrow. They believe in not taking snap decisions or making reactive investments because they would like to provide for tomorrow. Mostly, their relationships and careers need long term decision making and their ability to live in the present is not so high. Now there is no right or wrong way of looking at life. There is nothing wrong about strtching life out like gum or living in the moment like a bubble. But when a gum person meets a bubble thats is when there are conflicts of interest and view points.

I am more of a gum person. I believe in planning and providing for the future because the thought of momemtariness is a scary one for me. Take a moment and think, are you a bubble or the gum? Whichever one you are remember that whether momentarily or endlessly, it should be a choice you have made cos you are the one who is going to live it through!

Are we celebrating enough?

As I walked through the Monash campus on a regular weekday evening, I crossed what can be said as one of the most beautiful areas of the Clayton campus. It's the area by the pond near the Arts library. What I love about this pond are the rocks around it where one can sit and enjoy the beauty of nature. Today, on the rocks stood a young boy, standing smiling and tall, beaming infact in his well ironed crisp shirt, tie and the black robe floating in the wind like a super hero's cape. I can infact say that he did look like he was going to fly off the that stone like superman and conquer the world. I couldnt help but pause and look at him as his family and friends were patting him on the back and clicking his photograph with his newly earned degree. It was a beautiful moment and I was sure that it would be a memorable one for him and his loved ones. I smiled and continued walking only to see many other recent graduates all dressed proudly in the signature black robe, carrying their degrees like the olympic torch or their bouquets like the winner of a Miss World pagent. As I saw this celebration happening around me, I couldn't help but think of celebrations in general and whether we have enough of them in our lives.

A graduation ceremony is a huge deal in any student's life. But many a times its is taken for granted as an event that should most definitely happen and is really nothing to celebrate about. The minute someone gets an admission into a course or a study program it is but inevitable that he/she must graduate successfully. That he/she has graduated doesn't mark a unique event but one that happens in the course of life. People who tend to follow this school of thought are the ones who are always under the stress to succeed and the ones who rarely celebrate these moments or events. In today's world, one can find a rat race in all aspects of life, whether it is in school, university or the corporate world. what gets lost in this rat race is the time to celebrate small and big achievements and milestones which infact marks our journey and rewards our efforts.

The other day I was speaking to a fellow university mate who had performed very well in her exams. I congratulated her and commented that she must be feeling very happy on her achievement. She said yes Im happy but nothing to celebrate about. I have always done well so this was kinda expected - I now need to figure out which masters program to apply for. As I heard her speak, I realised that she was a classic example of someone who has lost the ability to celebrate. It saddened me, infact scared me to think how it must be to become a person to whom success becomes the norm and neednot be celebrated. What is then the motivation? Where can one get the energy? Looking ahead is important but its equally important to stand still and appreciate the now!

We are unfortunately living in a world of competition - a world where getting a job is only celebrated if its a well paying one or a big brand; a graduation is celebrated only if the person has won an award; a sportsman is celebrated only if he/she is a winner. Its all relative! Celebrating small things, milestones, achievements are important because they are like the sip of water that an athelete needs to run the marathorn. Celebrations make us grateful, celebrations make us smile and happy which is the fuel for the walk ahead.

So here's lifting all our glasses across the world to celebrate all the good times!