Lost

There is no glamour or great philosophy in being lost..

There is no poetry or heart touching song in feeling lost..

Being lost is that state of mind when the eyes that stare back doesnt recongnize its owner

I knocked on all doors to find my way back..

People gave me directions that I couldn't comprehend

The world seemed like an allien land where even the familiar dint seem so anymore

It was dark.. it was misleading and it hurt both physically and mentally

The fine line between sanity and its foe hadn't seemed so thin before

Fear latched on to me like a leech in a muddy stream

I hadnt lost my path but my destination had vanished somehow..

i kept reaching out for a helping hand but I couldnt trust the ones extended

I dint know what to do, where to go or whom to believe.. trust had eluded me.. faith had left

The only thing to do was to sit by that one solid rock.. the rock of uncertainity and wait for the fog to lift

How strange is life.. so easy to find someone to share a laugh but noone around to share the tremblings..

That is when a voice whispered weak but yet strong..

hold on to yourself and hold on to your own.. god has given you things in twos to hold to each other.. this too shall pass.. 

and if it doesnt whispered my trembling heart?

Then wait some more... whispered the voice weak yet strong

If nothing or noone stays forever, why should fear or uncertainity?

If good things always end then thers no surety of the bad as well..

If every silver lining is on a dark cloud, then the dark cloud is wanted as well..

Just hold to yourself.. give yourself love and laughter and patience and kindness.. believe in what you have always believed... trust what you have always trusted and love who u have always loved...

I could feel the tremblings come down...

I looked over the fog and the gleaming castle wall and shiny golden piers seemed aglow..

it was just over the fog of my fear.. it was always there.. waiting for me to see it.. 

I, princess of the land who had waited for eternity to be saved had finally found my knight in shining armour.. my knight stared at me through the clear waters.. my knight extended that one hand of freedom and the other hand took it...

I walked free and brave.. walked towards the castle walls.. as I was a Princess and I was lost no more...

The Bubble or the Gum

Most of us have heard of a bubblegum. Its a sweetmeat that is chewy and comes in various flavours. Often after a great deal of chewing this piece of sweetmeat or candy can be blown into a bubble. Please note that making a bubble is not something that everyone can do well. Some are great at it while others barely manage to. My interest is however not in the bubblegum but in the two words that make it up. Bubble and gum.

Aesthically a bubble is beautiful to look at. A transparent circle which floats in the air and disperses light to form rainbow colours. A bubble can be made using soapy water, from plastic or from certain types of gum. But the biggest challenge of a bubble is that it is very momentary. Before one can get to enjoy it fully, it ceases to exsist. Making a long lasting bubble is quite difficult and the most long lasting of bubbles are the ones made from plastic but they are far from authentic bubbles. Gum on the other hand is not so pretty to look at. Its tenacity is immense and it can last for a whole day, until the person chewing it decides to throw it out. A gum may lose its original taste but it doesnt lose it chewiness. Infact gum can be stretched out quite a bit till it begins to tear.

So why am I talking about bubble and gum? Well it was a conversation that I had with a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that put this seed into my mind and after weeks of thinking about it, I have now decided to express it in words. My friend shared an unpleasant story with me. She told me about the time she lost one of her friends in a car crash and how terrible it was. She told me about how momentary the incident was and how long lasting the impacts have been. She also shared with me how her view of life has changed post that fatal incident. It was then that the thought struck me; life can be looked at and lived as either a bubble or gum!

Those who look at life like a bubble are the ones who appreciate how momentary things are and how quickly they can change. These are the people who live in the present and make the most out of today. They tend to be optimistic as they desire to get the best out of each day. However mostly these people are also the ones who donot like to save, or think too much about ten years from now. Their relationships, jobs and decisions are based more on today.

The gum people, or the ones who consider life to be like gum, look at life as a long journey and possibly prefer to plan and provide for tomorrow. They believe in not taking snap decisions or making reactive investments because they would like to provide for tomorrow. Mostly, their relationships and careers need long term decision making and their ability to live in the present is not so high. Now there is no right or wrong way of looking at life. There is nothing wrong about strtching life out like gum or living in the moment like a bubble. But when a gum person meets a bubble thats is when there are conflicts of interest and view points.

I am more of a gum person. I believe in planning and providing for the future because the thought of momemtariness is a scary one for me. Take a moment and think, are you a bubble or the gum? Whichever one you are remember that whether momentarily or endlessly, it should be a choice you have made cos you are the one who is going to live it through!

Are we celebrating enough?

As I walked through the Monash campus on a regular weekday evening, I crossed what can be said as one of the most beautiful areas of the Clayton campus. It's the area by the pond near the Arts library. What I love about this pond are the rocks around it where one can sit and enjoy the beauty of nature. Today, on the rocks stood a young boy, standing smiling and tall, beaming infact in his well ironed crisp shirt, tie and the black robe floating in the wind like a super hero's cape. I can infact say that he did look like he was going to fly off the that stone like superman and conquer the world. I couldnt help but pause and look at him as his family and friends were patting him on the back and clicking his photograph with his newly earned degree. It was a beautiful moment and I was sure that it would be a memorable one for him and his loved ones. I smiled and continued walking only to see many other recent graduates all dressed proudly in the signature black robe, carrying their degrees like the olympic torch or their bouquets like the winner of a Miss World pagent. As I saw this celebration happening around me, I couldn't help but think of celebrations in general and whether we have enough of them in our lives.

A graduation ceremony is a huge deal in any student's life. But many a times its is taken for granted as an event that should most definitely happen and is really nothing to celebrate about. The minute someone gets an admission into a course or a study program it is but inevitable that he/she must graduate successfully. That he/she has graduated doesn't mark a unique event but one that happens in the course of life. People who tend to follow this school of thought are the ones who are always under the stress to succeed and the ones who rarely celebrate these moments or events. In today's world, one can find a rat race in all aspects of life, whether it is in school, university or the corporate world. what gets lost in this rat race is the time to celebrate small and big achievements and milestones which infact marks our journey and rewards our efforts.

The other day I was speaking to a fellow university mate who had performed very well in her exams. I congratulated her and commented that she must be feeling very happy on her achievement. She said yes Im happy but nothing to celebrate about. I have always done well so this was kinda expected - I now need to figure out which masters program to apply for. As I heard her speak, I realised that she was a classic example of someone who has lost the ability to celebrate. It saddened me, infact scared me to think how it must be to become a person to whom success becomes the norm and neednot be celebrated. What is then the motivation? Where can one get the energy? Looking ahead is important but its equally important to stand still and appreciate the now!

We are unfortunately living in a world of competition - a world where getting a job is only celebrated if its a well paying one or a big brand; a graduation is celebrated only if the person has won an award; a sportsman is celebrated only if he/she is a winner. Its all relative! Celebrating small things, milestones, achievements are important because they are like the sip of water that an athelete needs to run the marathorn. Celebrations make us grateful, celebrations make us smile and happy which is the fuel for the walk ahead.

So here's lifting all our glasses across the world to celebrate all the good times!

Run run as fast as you can

It seemed all to familiar. The situation, the conversations, the stirring, the anger, the tears, the sense of hope and well the comic element of it all. Has it really been two years or has time been standing still? Maybe its like a birthday, comes every year although it felt far from a birthday like moment. As she stood in front of the mirror her head full of questions, her eyes full of doubt and fear and her surroundings painfully quiet, she couldnt help but blame herself for falling prey to the same situation once again. What had she hoped for? that things would magically change or that the people involved would change? The scary part of it all was that the things had gotten more complex and the people more determined. In the last two years everything around her had changed, but she hadn't and this she found out at that very moment.

It was all going well or she had believed. The new gig was going well and when she had started out it was meant to be a break, an opportunity of giving life a new turn and a twist. Like most of her gigs she had only considered the good parts, the fun parts and the tough decisions had been pushed under the rug. All she had thought of was that like any other story her new beginning would lead down the garden path and things would unravel. Things had unravelled but there was nothing gardeny about it. It had led her back to the crossroad she had left behind and this time the paths were more distinct and there was really no way of return. Keya had told her, "you need to decide girl! you have to face the dragon!" She had just said"I know Keya, I realise, but how can I decide when Im not sure of what I want?". "Babe, take the plunge. Stop running around!". That was the last thing Keya said before she had boarded the flight to Never Never Land. Or thats what Keya called it.

How can someone want two contradictory things equally? Is it really possible that she could be that lost or that unrealistic? People take tough decisions all the time then why was it seeming like Sophie's choice to her! She had been looking for answers all through the last year! looking for them in movies, in books, on Facebook posts, messages from friends and well in divine enlightenment that had so far not struck. Waiting for life to take the call wasnt the best idea and neither was to wait and watch and keep all options open! So this was it. She looked into the mirror, wiped her tears, took a deep breath and made the call she had been dreading all her life.

"Hello! whats up, why are you calling so late in the night? Shall I call you back? Is all ok?". Too many questions and just what she dint need to confuse her further. She gathered all her courage and spoke calmly.. or with as much clam as her mind was allowing at that point.. "Yea all's ok.. I have made up my mind. Ive decided to go ahead with my plans and move. Il get the other gig Ive been talking about. Cant live like this anymore. Im 29 and I want more." There she'd said it. It felt more sure now that she had said it out loud. "Oh! come on. Dont be ridiculous. You're not moving. Thats a bad idea. We've discussed it. You are going to......". The rest of that call, she couldn't complete. It was just like how it always was. Decisive and domineering meets undecisive and confused. Its really a no brainer. Plus she knew what this was all about. It was about him! It had always been about him and the reality was he was no where there where he needed to be. She couldnt admit it was him.. not to herself and definitely not on call. So she hung up and looked into the mirror and this time she dint cry.

She went into the kitchen.. made some coffee.. turned on the television.. picked up her phone and sent a message.. 

The Black Swan

The black swan rests in all of us
Quiet but strong waiting for that moment..
That moment which turns our lives thus, never to be the same as before..
The black is out to kill..
It's anger has its own will
It will destroy all that lies in its way
Including the self, it can become a prey..
What rises thereafter can be a Phoenix.. It can also be the devil with no heart, no soul and definetly no mercy for any foe!
But truth be told the battle between the white and black is one between hate and compassion.. Hate has destroyed too much, it's thirst never quenches, it's victims never spared.. But compassion has power beyond hate! It's humility wakes in its stead.. Those who love fear nothing at all but those who hate have to fear it all.. So everytine the black tries to take over the white, take a deep breath and remind the heart to work faster than the mind..

An artist

Being an artist has its flaws
You don't look at life with simple laws
Every layer has yet another,
Every flavor has a topping or other
Even the sun and moon are more than stars
The heart and soul are worlds apart..
Being an artist does have its flaws
It makes simple complicated and complex not at all
But I do love being an artist and I do love all the flaws, after all it's the flaws that makes art worth it all

The Romanticism of pain

Today I had a thought... do we as humans love pain? we certainly find a lot of meaning and sense in it. It is believed that great music comes from great pain, the greatest painters and artists had some pain in life, writers and poets suffer immensely before great works are created. So is it really pain that keeps us going? Great romance looks for pain, is that why when things are going smoothly we wonder when its going to change and reality will start.

As a child I was always told that once you grow up you will value life and value the real world. Now that I have grown up, I realise the basic difference between childhood and adulthood is that as a child I used to run away from pain and now I romanticise it:) Isnt there something so romantic about pain? It must be because everywhere I look I see people trying to embrace it happily. There's something very real about pain, something that makes things it touches real. Everyone wishes for a happy ending but not much is said about a happy life. Not much is written about a happy journey, its valued lesser than a happy ending.

So what is so romantic about pain? Is it the the unexplained emotions that brings out who we truly are? When a person is happy he/she is at their best self. He/she is smiling, positive and carries the vibe of joy which makes everything and everyone around them happy as well. But sadness is a whole different game. It can bring out the best in us or expose our weakest self. All dark emotions like jealously, envy, revenge, hatred have a hint of sadness in it. Is that why pain is so powerful? I am still to meet an artist, a writer, painter, musician who has not had a painful chapter in their story. There seems to be a connection between pain and romance and a bond between reality and pain.

The romance of pain is an intriguing concept. It makes me wonder whether pain is what binds us together because if there was no pain there would be no true identity.

Being an abberation

28 and close to 29, life at this junction can be a pattern or an abberation. For me, most unexpectedly it has turned out to be an abberation. Girls of my age by this junction in life are usually at marriedville, babystation or coupletown. Especially for girls from my culture, we grow up waiting to get married and it almost feels that everything else in life is a like a hobby till one finds the supposedly better half of oneself. Some may say this is the cynical side of me speaking and I honestly wont deny it as being a single girl who is trying to understand why her four year relationship never worked out, is just finishing her second masters and living partly off dad and partly off loan, with parttime work and no real clarity of what comes next, I would judge myself if I wasnt cynical.

But this is more than being just single or unmarried.. its about being an abberation not just to society but even among peers. Its about living each day with unfound courage and belief that tomorrow just might make more sense than today. Its about discovering a world for abberators, usually this world involves other single women trying to find their footing as well. Music, alcohol, drugs, sexuality can be an escape from reality but im not that brave and thus Im still trying to find my drug.

I realised I am an abberation when at parties other married women would look at me strangely if I was having an animated conversation with her husband or when I was being constantly told to enjoy my freedom whilst it lasted. The turning point for me was the second realisation that I minded being an abberation relatively and not absolutely. And at this point I did acknowledge that my abberation was my choice. I chose to do another masters and take a second chance at finding my passion and believe you me, I did. I found narrative research and writing which I can happily do and do it well for the rest of my life. I chose to try and work at a four year relationship cos I really loved the guy. I chose to leave my job and live partly off dad and partly off a loan because it would give me stronger wings to fly for the rest of my life. If all my life which is now an abberation has led me to where I am today, it really cannot be bad. And as I realise this I feel better about being an abberation.

So to all my fellow abberations, we only lose when we choose to and today I choose to accept that I am an abberation and in a good way!

one small thing

One small thing can change life as we know it
One small thing can turn forever to never
One small thing can turn a smile upside down
its strange that still everyone looks for that one small thing

Its true heartbreak doesnt kill
its true heartache doesnt die
its true heartache never heals
but the heart never stops trying

the comfort of conversations becomes a monologue
the ears strain to hear the voice so familiar
the silence has never been so clear
in a moment things change forever
the one small thing, the heartache and the cry 

Silence speaks

"The book of love is long and boringNo one can lift the damn thingIt's full of charts and facts and figuresAnd instructions for dancing
But II love it when you read to meAnd youYou can read me anything
The book of love has music in itIn fact that's where music comes fromSome of it's just transcendentalSome of it's just really dumb
But II love it when you sing to meAnd youYou can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boringAnd written very long agoIt's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxesAnd things we're all too young to know
But II love it when you give me thingsAnd youYou ought to give me wedding rings
And II love it when you give me thingsAnd youYou ought to give me wedding ringsYou ought to give me wedding rings" Peter Gabriel

I have always been a great supporter of conversations.. felt that conversations, expressions and sharing is the essence of relationships and without it things dont work or solve. But today I realise the importance and the place of the unsaid word. Love demands a lot of things, and patience and waiting is one of those things that noone really teaches us. Today I realise that waiting for someone to realise and waiting for someone to share and waiting for someone to express is as important as expressing it!

200 years of Lizzy and Darcy

January 2013 celebrated 200 years of the classic and evergreen Pride and Prejudice- one of finest and loved works by Jane Austen. Made aware of this 200th anniversary, I decided to watch my Jane Austen favorites Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility back to back to relive the great moments.

The narratives and the structure of the story is mirrored in both the books with characters so fine that one can forget that they are literary. Jane and Ellena, Lizzy and Mary Anne are so classic that I cannot help but look for their existence in my life and my relations. However, the strong, arrogant yet completely mysteriously vexingly charming and unignorable Mr Darcy cannot be compared to Mr Ferrer in Sense and Sensibility. The characterization of Mr Darcy is unbeatable and even till today is a unsurpassed benchmark. However it is not the relived pleasure of these literary treasures that captured my thoughts but the article in the NewYorker paying tribute to 200 years of Pride and Prejudice.

The article talked about the life of Jane Austen and the lack of glory that she endured during her early years of writing. It talked about the fact that her work got its due mostly after her passing and that she died a spinster and a virgin at the age of 41. Another comment in this article "'Do women love assholes, the way that everybody says?"  or do women like changing them and stripping them off their asshole like nature into men they love? was something that has stayed with me.

I cannot decide what is more harsh, the reality of Jane Austen's life or the fact that her work is merely a literary genius and will be refined to the walls of fiction and cinema. Love for Lizzy changes Darcy is perhaps one of the main memories of this book. Is it literary work like this that has caused women generation after generation to break their heart over Darcys of the world who may have the arrogance but who may never really change for them? If Jane Austen had presented her characters differently would the notions of what defines love change, at least for some? It is so easy to find a Mrs Bennet, a charlotte and even a Mr Collins, but the to find a Mr Darcy is a matter of luck.

Would we as women be spared knowing that men dont really change and least of all for a woman? Would we have been better off with words of advice from Charlotte? Would we be happier remembering that Mr Ferrer claimed Ellena only after being left?

Will pride and prejudice still be read and re-read for 200 more years (with the expectations that if I am like Lizzy, I will find my Darcy) if we remind ourselves constantly that Jane Austen never really married for love or for money?

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2013/01/happy-two-hundredth-birthday-pride-and-prejudice.html

The volley of thoughts

Men cannot multitask and women can never think of one thing at a time. These may be the stereotypes we live with but in my experience so far they are so very true. I think I fit into this stereotype like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle and believe you me it is not something I boast about.

A million things passing my mind asking me questions, suggesting options, playing devils advocate, proposing new ventures, scaring me with the what ifs of the world and all this at the same time. It is really a wonder I havent short circuited my brain by now. With each passing year it gets more complicated and the number of thoughts increase! Why O why are we women wired this way? In this volley of thoughts, where some hit me right in the head, some miss me and some stay forever how have I managed to find sense and answers? Well thats a wonder and I guess Im not to going to start figuring that one out!

So the big question is what to do when these volley of thoughts attack me, bombard me and leave me standing there like a damsel in distress? earlier on it in situations like this I would call my best friends and we would discuss these various situations and most of the times add to them, or I would call my boyfriend and well that would either lead to feeling better or a fight or I would put on a movie or watch my favorite sitcoms as they would transport me to a world where these thoughts couldnt find me at least for sometime. Things are different now, best friends are there but these conversations have outgrown us, boyfriend.. hmm who is that? but the movies and the sitcoms are there but not doing such a great job as usual but yes still bailing me out time to time.. What remains is well writing it all out, sharing it with myself and telling it to myself out loud cos believe me that works too..

So all my girlfriends out there.. your thoughts troubling you? well take them a thought at a time and write them all out cos that will drive them away or turn them into that friend you wanted  it to be..

Prince Charming!

Once upon a time there was a little girl, she was told a zillion of fairytales and as she grew up these fairytales became an integral part of her being. She began to see that there were so many others like her who are waiting for the fairytale in their life to come true, waiting for the signs, the hero, the villain and ofcourse the most important thing, MAGIC to come into their lives. Cause Magic can explain the unexplainable and can solve the unsolvable.

Well, as you would know after a zillion years later she grew up to find the villain, the common village people, in a remote way the dream, the king and the queen, but what never showed up was Magic or Prince Charming!

Well let me introduce you to Mr Prince Charming - he is the answer to every girl whether princess or not's prayers, he is the perfect mix of a hero, a saviour, a lover, a poet, a mind reader, a wizard, a parent and a friend. He is good looking, rich and has the heart of gold. He is not frazzled by his girls tears, neither does he ever want to leave her. His mother is not a problem and her father loves him! well anyone who has treaded this earth for a zillion years like I have will realise that only MAGIC can create a Prince Charming and one will need stronger Magic to sustain his wonderfulness.

You must think I am a tad cynical - ofcourse I am and its my cynicism that helps me live in this world where there is no Magic and defnitely no prince. This is although partially true, the entire truth is that well magic is within us and so is our prince charming. As a single, working girl with career aspirations, high cost of living and social pressure we tend to look for these two things to ease our lives. But in reality we need to save ourselves before any magic can. Magic like faith cannot be seen or felt, it needs to be believed in even in the darkest of times and the loneliest of hours for it to come true.

And well, Mr Prince Charming - I accept you dont exsist. 0.00001% of me still waits for you, but in todays world its easier to find the evil witch or the nasty villain but mr prince charming, you are tough to find! 

The two lives we lead

Most of us lead two lives, the one we actually live and the one we live in our heads.. I realised this while I was at work the other day. It was that break in the day, where one has finished the main task and deliverable for the day and is free to browse, read or get updated on the news. I was using this break to read some of the generic mails that had come in about social blogging, media trends etc.. it was at that time that I came across this article by a senior leader in the company and as I was reading the article, parallelly in my head I began to imagine what it wold like to be a published writer, a writer whose work people will read like I am reading someone's work. I began to think of my blog, what the topics would be etc.. It was at that very moment I realised the two lives I am living.

How many of us live this way i wonder? one foot in the present and one dangling in ones conscience. it is a funny thought and if you can picture it, it will be a funny image but that exactly how a segment of us live. We get stressed over un acomplished goals in our imagined life and stress over the difficulty of the present, when possibly if the imagined life did get true, it would be equally difficult in its own way. Are we then really tuned to be stressed? Are we all really out there to make ourselves miserable and look for targets to blame? Well of course there are situations and people out there which cause enough distress, but are we really stressing ourselves out? What is that fine line between dreaming and making ourselves run behind a cloud? Will we be better off with feet firmly on the ground or is it the parallel life that keeps us going?

Lots of questions, with possibly one answer.. and this one answer is different for different people. For some, it could be take life as it comes, some it is not to take oneself too seriously and for some it is a constant quest.. My answer is that both these lives are mine and to make the most of that I need to stop worrying about things that I can do nothing about. But whatever said and done, what makes life wonderful is that it needs to be discovered everyday and with each opened layer it the picture gets clearer.